The Fire Danger is High This Week

A heat wave, the likes of which NW Washington has seen since 2009, is hitting the area this week. Temps are expected to reach triple digits in some areas of Western Washington, and smoke from fires in British Columbia have the potential to cause health issues for those with breathing problems. I have a few suggestions for those affected by this week's heat wave:

• Check with your local Fire Department for burn ban information: Not every Fire Department shouts from the top of the highest peak that a fire ban is in place, and it is not THEIR fault that you don't know about a ban on burning.
• If you smoke, don't throw your butts out the window while driving: This one is self-explanatory, yet the majority of wildfires happen under these circumstances. If you commit this crime, you get saddled with the cost of the fire response, and more. Don't do it, period.
• Avoid igniting fireworks: We are a month past Independence Day, but some individuals still have a stockpile of fireworks they bought on the reservation, and took home, thinking they weren't violating local fireworks bans. If you are among those “the law applies to everyone but me” individuals, please refrain from using our warm evenings to launch bottle rockets into the sky (and onto your neighbor's roof and already dry yard). Doing so will damage your relationship with your neighbors, not to mention the local Fire Department.

Here are a few additional tips for avoiding problems during this week's heat wave.

• Staying indoors with the Air Conditioning on is good. Moving your sweaty ass to Alaska is better.
• If someone near you has ignited vegetation (including wood for a firepit), extinguish it by squatting directly onto the flames. It will prevent the fire from spreading, and will give you a good story for the paramedics. Win-win.
• Don't commit arson: No matter how tempting it may be to burn your Ex's home to the ground, the resulting smoke will be a health issue for others.
• Avoid self immolation, in protest of whatever you feel requires the ultimate sacrifice: It's a fire hazard, and – again – the resulting smoke will be a health issue for others. Save your "ultimate sacrifice for the sake of your beliefs" for the rainy season, when your act of defiance will pose less of a threat to people and property around you.
• If you are prone to spontaneous combustion, remain indoors: Those who are prone to bursting into fire should, preferably, sequester themselves to the bathroom - either in the shower with the water running, or in the rub, under the water's surface. Please note that in the second scenario, you should come up for air periodically, as prolonged exposure to a "no-breathing" environment can be hazardous to your health.
• If you are drinking, and someone challenges you to ignite your farts with a lighter, decline the challenge: You, and/or your friend, have clearly had too much to drink. The risk of fire damage to property is not worth telling your friend, “hold my drink”.

Enjoy the warm weather. Be fire-wise. Don't be an ass (unless, of course, your fart challenge results in a wet one. In which case, just go change your underwear and sober up).